AIDS to COPING with a MENTALLY
ILL SPOUSE
If you are trying to cope with your spouse who has a mental illness you may find this article helpful.
AIDS to COPING with a MENTALLY
ILL SPOUSE
If you are trying to cope with your spouse who has a mental illness you may find this article helpful.
1.The mental illness your spouse
suffers is something that is happening to your entire family. All are affected, it is nobody’s fault. It is not
your spouse’s fault, it is not your fault, it is not
your children’s fault. It is nobody’s
fault. It is an unfortunate illness. It is not automatic grounds for
divorce, any more than other disabilities are.
2. You cannot
fix your spouse. There is nothing you can do to make him/her well,
so don’t feel compelled to try. You don’t have the answers. All you can do is
be supportive and loving (in a profound sense), and handle the everyday details
and practical issues of life for him/her that he/she cannot cope with.
3. All members
of the family have a responsibility to cope with the illness. Escape is not a helpful way of dealing with
the crisis. You all need each other.
4. The ill spouse must recognize and accept the illness, be
willing to receive treatment and, if possible, learn to manage the illness. He/she must cooperate with his/her medical
team. He/she must take his/her medications. He/she must learn to recognize
relapse symptoms. If the ill spouse is not willing to do these things, it may
become impossible for the family to continue to support him/her. The family is
not required to throw away their own lives for someone who refuses to
cooperate. There are limits, and they must be enforced without feelings of guilt.
5. Educate
yourself concerning every aspect of the illness. Education brings compassion. Ignorance
encourages anger and fear.
6. Grieve your
loss. It is a great loss. The grief process for this
illness is identical to the grief process for the death of a spouse. You need
to allow yourself to experience the entire process of grieving.
7. Get help for yourself to cope with this incredible challenge, either
from your own counseling sessions, or a NAMI support group. You can’t do it alone. With help you can live
your life with gusto. Don’t refuse to recognize your own need for help, just
because the ill spouse is getting most of the attention. This illness is
happening to your whole family. You should not try to do it alone.
8. Help your
children understand the illness as
much as their ages allow. No family
secrets!
Don’t
deny them the opportunity of
learning about the illness, the unfair stigma attached to it, and developing
their skills in coping. It can be an incredible learning opportunity for them.
If they need professional help to understand it and their own feelings, get it
for them.
9. Try to
create a safe environment for your spouse to express him/herself without
feeling threatened, constrained or condemned.
He/she
desperately needs a nurturing, safe place to express the incredible frustration
he/she is feeling about this illness.
10. You and
your children need to share your feelings honestly and openly. They are suffering a loss also. It’s okay to feel
angry and cheated. At times, you may feel embarrassed by the ill spouse’s
behavior. Avoid trying to protect your spouse by not discussing the problem
with family members or friends. Don’t require your children to conspire with
you in a code of “Family Secrecy.” Family secrets will isolate you from
others. Humor and openness will help the
entire family, including your spouse, accept the illness for exactly what it is
and reduce guilt for all family members. Remember, small children, by their
very nature, assume that they are responsible for anything in their environment
that goes wrong.
11. Never put
yourself or your children in physical danger. If
you sense your spouse is becoming dangerous, you should leave and call
professional help. You should never tolerate abuse of your children! Say, “No
Way!” and mean it. Trust your instincts and intuition on this one.
12. Become
your spouse’s advocate with the professionals, and be assertively involved in
treatment and medication decisions. Don’t be afraid to go with
him/her to appointments, to call his/her psychiatrist if you suspect something
isn’t right, or to inform the psychiatrist of the effects of the medication
being prescribed. If the psychiatrist won’t cooperate with you, demand a
different one! Stand your ground.
- Kathleen Bayes, Vol. 9, No. 2, “The Journal,” publication of
NAMI-CA.
NAMI OF GREATER
312-563-0445